Falling down...

...and getting back up again! Building my confidence one step at a time.

Photo by Georg Eiermann on Unsplash

“Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations.” Bréne Brown

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Cards on the table time. Back in November I mentioned that I was considering applying to the Manchester Art Fair for this coming November…see post below…

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Well, the application deadline has been and gone; have I applied?

Short answer - no.

Don’t get me wrong, when the application email landed in my inbox, I was full of ‘let’s do this!’ bravura…

…then I saw the cost. A quick mental calculation; the smallest stand costs £1364 + VAT. Add on accommodation, food and fuel costs etc., and it would be around the £2.5k - £3k mark. And that’s when my nerve, or courage, or belief in myself failed me.

Here comes the ‘vulnerable’ bit.

This financial year has been less than successful as far as the art goes; at time of writing, it has just dipped into the red…

How could I justify, how could I square it with myself - spending that amount of money with no guarantees that anything would come of it? And then, all the other doubts piled on. Would I even be accepted? Probably not, that little voice in my head is whispering.Who was I to think that I was good enough to exhibit there? My work isn’t selling now, so what makes me think it will sell there?

Each day I’d tell myself that I’d apply. Each day I didn't. Tomorrow, I kept saying, knowing that tomorrow would come and, yet again, I wouldn’t have applied. Inexorably, the deadline came and went. As it slipped by a whole range of emotions swept over me: anger, self-pity, resentment, apathy…

There was also a huge sense of relief; I wouldn’t have to put myself through the process of being rejected, or, if accepted, of having no sales.

My carefully constructed shell was crumbling. I wasn’t as resilient as I’d thought.

For a couple of days I sat with these feelings. I’ve learned that by acknowledging them, it gets them out of my system. I‘ve been known to call this my ‘wallowing’ stage…

“Don't forget that you're human. It's okay to have a melt down. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed.”

Perspective + Patience + Positivity = Happiness

Now, I’m in the ‘well, what are you going to do now?’ phase…

How am I going to frame this, or re-frame it? How am I going to ‘build my shell’ again?

New days, new dawns - the beginnings of a rosy glow, so welcome after days of dank, damp, grey weather.

Morning walks, as ever, help me find perspective, especially when the moon and the sun accompany me; from gentle light bathing my way, to a fireball rising…

Conversations over the weekend, combined with my perambulations kindled a more positive outlook.

I decided to look for more local opportunities to get my work out there and be seen, in the flesh, so to speak; to build my confidence again by participating in smaller events.

A visit to the Indio Crow Gallery in Lincoln proved a big step forward in terms of confidence. You need to be aware that usually, when I visit a gallery, I never volunteer that I am artist. However, not only did I tell the lovely lady just that, I also made enquiries about their exhibition space, AND, gave her one of my business postcards - my OH did a double take to make sure it was actually me talking!!

I’ve also used the time to tweak and refine my website; checking the keywords, adding the alt text on images etc. Mundane, mind-numbing - but necessary. I’ve also been checking out the merits of both Flodesk and Mailerlite as an email marketing platform; I’ve been wondering about having a separate list for people who would like to receive more direct information about my latest works for sale etc… What platform/s do you use? Any recommendations?

Time having passed, and having settled on a way forward, I’m feeling much calmer, more relaxed about it all, and definitely more positive. Amazing what a walk in the fresh air can do!!

How do you build yourself up after a setback? Would love to know!

P.S. Since writing this, I’ve sent in my application form to Indigo Crow, for a possible exhibition next year!! Fingers crossed!

“Walk on a rainbow trail; walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail.”

Robert Motherwell

Sometimes, looking back, seeing what I’ve done, what my plans were, how far I’ve come, or even if it’s just to jog my memory, well, it can help with my confidence and resilience, to see what I am capable of. Was this really a year ago…?

Until next time, happy creating!